[PDF]Codependency For Dummies By Darlene Lancer

Codependency




Learn to:

• Recognize the signs of codependency

• Stop controlling others and start
caring for yourself

• Love yourself and develop
healthy relationships

• Become more assertive and
build your self-esteem


Darlene Lancer, MFT

Licensed marriage and family therapist









Codependency



2nd Edition


by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT





Codependency For Dummies®, 2nd Edition

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Contents at a Glance


Introduction . I

Part I: Getting Started on Overcoming Codependency . 5

Chapter 1: Codependency Hurts.7

Chapter 2: Somebody Please Tell Me What Codependency Is.29

Chapter 3: Symptoms of Codependency.39

Chapter 4: Crossing De-Nile to Recovery.71

Chapter 5: So, Are You Codependent?.81

Part II: Breakthrough to Recovery — Heating

l/oursetf. . 89

Chapter 6: Getting Started in Recovery.91

Chapter 7: What Made You Codependent?.99

Chapter 8: Healing Your Wounds — Freeing Your Self.121

Chapter 9: Welcome to the Real You.139

Chapter 10: Building Self-Esteem and Self-Love.155

Chapter 11: Finding Pleasure.177

Part III: Heating l/our Relationships vVith Others . 187

Chapter 12: Letting Go and Nonattachment.189

Chapter 13: Speaking Up.211

Chapter 14: Relating to Your Family, Friends, and Lovers.229

Chapter 15: Making Relationships Work.243

Part W: Moving On and Maintaining Recovery . 261

Chapter 16: Following Your Bliss.263

Chapter 17: Where to Get Help.277

Chapter 18: Working the Twelve Steps.285

Chapter 19: Maintaining Recovery.303

Part V: The Part of Tens . 315

Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Love Yourself.317

Chapter 21: Ten Daily Reminders.323

Index . 329
































Table of Contents


Introduction . I

About This Book.2

Foolish Assumptions.3

Icons Used in This Book.3

Beyond the Book.4

Where to Go from Here.4

Part I: Getting Started on Overcoming Codependency . 5

Chapter 1: Codependency Hurts.7

What Is Codependency?.7

An overview.7

Why relationships hurt.8

Reviewing the History.10

The work of neo-Freudian Karen Horney.10

The influence of family systems therapy.12

Addiction and Twelve Step programs.13

A codependent society.13

The codependency debate.14

The Spectrum of Codependency.15

The Stages of Codependency and Recovery.17

Early stage of codependency and recovery.18

Middle stage of codependency and recovery.19

Late stage of codependency and recovery.21

Changes to Expect.23

Going over the four basic steps.23

Chapter 2: Somebody Please Tell Me What Codependency Is.29

Defining Codependency.29

The Core of Codependency — A Lost Self.31

Is it an addiction? A disease?.32

Cross-addictions.33

Women and codependency.34

What Codependency Isn’t.35

Codependency isn’t caregiving.35

Codependency isn’t kindness.36

Codependency isn’t interdependency.37





































w Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition_

Chapter 3: Symptoms of Codependency.39

Hidden Shame.39

Low self-esteem.41

Pleasing — being a people-pretzel.43

Guilt — “I’m always sorry”.43

The elusive pursuit of perfection.45

What Are My Rights and Limits?.46

My boundaries.47

We’re one — “What’s mine is yours”.49

Keep away — “What’s mine is mine”.50

Broken and mixed boundaries.51

Depending on Someone Too Much.51

Fears of rejection.52

“Can’t get you out of my mind”.53

You’re my mojo.54

Lack of Assertiveness.55

Saying what you think and feel.56

Being a human reactor.57

Verbal abuse.58

Control and Caretaking.60

A haywire system.61

Control through manipulation.62

Control through kindness.63

The seesaw of codependency.64

Enabling.65

Denial.66

Painful Emotions.66

Fear and shame anxiety.67

Anger and resentment.68

Despair and depression.69

Physical Symptoms.70

Chapter 4: Crossing De-Nile to Recovery.71

The Purpose of Denial.71

Forms of Denial.72

Types of Denial.72

Type 1: Denying someone’s behavior.73

Type 2: Denying my codependency.76

Type 3: “Don’t ask me how 1 feel”.77

Type 4: “My needs don’t matter”.79

Recovery Builds Self-Awareness.80

Chapter 5: So, Are You Codependent?.81

Codependency Assessments.81

Do You Exhibit Codependent Patterns?.85

Have You Been Affected by Addiction?.87















































Table of Contents


Part II: Breakthrough to Recovery — Heating

l/oursetf. . 89

Chapter 6: Getting Started in Recovery.91

It’s Your Recovery.91

Recovery requires change.91

Making a commitment to yourself.93

Recovery isn’t a straight path.93

Seeking Help and Support.94

Support is critical.94

Attend Twelve Step meetings.95

Seek psychotherapy.96

Utilize coaches and counselors.97

Be Patient with Yourself.97

Must You Believe in God?.97

Telling Others about Your Recovery.98

Chapter 7: What Made You Codependent?.99

Were You Loved for Who You Are? — A Psychodynamic View.99

Essential empathy.100

The effect of inadequate mirroring.100

You’re in the Majority.102

What Makes a Family Healthy or Not — A Family Systems View.102

Healthy families.103

Dysfunctional families.106

Abuse.114

Drug addiction.117

Chapter 8: Healing Your Wounds — Freeing Your Self.121

The Wounded Child.121

The nature of your child Self.122

Your child’s characteristics.122

Your child’s needs.123

Befriending your child Self.124

Healing shame.127

Grieving Losses — Feel to Heal.129

The childhood you missed.130

Faces of grief.131

Acceptance and moving on.133

Confrontations.133

Healing Trauma.135

Kinds of trauma.135

Symptoms of trauma.136

Getting help.137











































i/iii Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition_

Chapter 9: Welcome to the Real You.139

Building an Internal Guidance System.139

Alone time.140

Building self-awareness.140

Listening to your body.143

Getting to Know Yourself.144

Knowing what you feel.144

Identifying your needs.148

Identifying your wants.148

Trusting yourself.151

Identifying your values.152

Being Your Authentic Self.153

Chapter 10: Building Self-Esteem and Self-Love.155

The Tyrannical Trio — the Critic, Pusher, and Perfectionist.155

Re-educating the Critic.156

Relaxing the Pusher — your slave driver.157

Accepting imperfection when nothing’s good enough.159

Feeling Good about You.159

No more blame and excuses.160

Taking action.161

Becoming authentic.162

Positive self-talk.163

Keeping commitments to yourself.165

Self-Compassion and Self-Love.166

Self-acceptance.166

Self-forgiveness.166

Self-love.167

Chapter 11: Finding Pleasure.171

The Mind-Body Connection.171

Nurture your body.173

Move your body.174

Delight your senses.175

Play and Rejuvenate.177

Recreation and vacations.177

Hobbies and creative expression.179

Uplift and Calm Your Spirit.180

Meditation speeds recovery.180

Types of meditation.181

Meet Your Social Needs.185










































Table of Contents


Part III: Healing \/our Relationships u/ith Others . 187

Chapter 12: Letting Go and Nonattachment.189

Over-Involvement versus Nonattachment.189

Are you over-involved?.190

What is nonattachment?.190

Stepping back and letting go.191

Self-Responsibility.192

Helping Too Much.194

Fear fuels control.195

What if you were asked to help?.195

What are your expectations?.197

Getting Triggered and Reacting.200

Worrying and Obsessing.203

Accepting Reality.203

Acceptance isn’t approval.203

Acceptance of someone’s addiction.204

Tools for Letting Go.205

Focus on yourself.205

Re-mind mantras.205

The three Cs.206

Prayer.206

Meditation and mindfulness.206

Time-outs.207

Journaling.207

Contrary action.207

Acting as if.208

Take the label off.208

Lose your mind and come to your senses.208

Q.T.I.P.: Quit taking it personally.208

Use your imagination.209

Having a Plan B.209

Expect Pushback.209

From you.209

From others.210

Chapter 13: Speaking Up.211

Communicating Effectively.211

Becoming assertive — the six Cs.212

Expressing feelings.215

Expressing needs and wants.216

Taking a stand.216

Codependent pitfalls.217

Communication tips.219













































ft Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition_

Setting Boundaries.219

The importance of having limits.220

Limits and consequences.221

Taking action.223

Confronting abuse.224

Recognizing domestic violence.226

What to expect.227

Handling Conflict.227

It takes two.228

Rules of engagement.228

Chapter 14: Relating to Your Family, Friends, and Lovers.229

Changing Your Dance.229

What to expect.230

Coping with an addict or alcoholic.230

After sobriety.231

Relating to Family Members.232

Family visits.232

Facts to remember.233

Relating to Friends.234

Becoming Counter-Dependent.234

Dating.235

Types of relationships.235

Getting to know someone.237

Falling in love.237

Codependency and Sex.239

Sexual self-esteem.239

Boundaries.240

Mutuality.240

Acceptance.240

Beginning a sexual relationship.241

Addiction.242

Chapter 15: Making Relationships Work.243

Recipe for Healthy Relationships.243

A healthy Self.244

Essential ingredients.245

Relationships that last.247

Navigating Autonomy and Intimacy.251

No Self — level five.252

Pursuing and distancing— level four.252

Splitting and knitting — level three.253

Containing opposites — level two.254

Harmonizing — level one.254

Intimacy.255

Pseudo-intimacy.255

Being authentic and vulnerable.256

Coping with Loneliness.257

















































Table of Contents


Part W: Moving On and Maintaining Recovery . 261

Chapter 16: Following Your Bliss.263

Author Your Life.263

Internal locus of control.263

Affirm yourself.264

Overcome indecisiveness.266

Manifest Your Passions.268

Dreams, passions, and work.268

It’s not too late.271

Set Goals.271

Identify your skills and talents.272

Develop your vision.272

Gather information.274

Baby steps.275

Chapter 17: Where to Get Help.277

Twelve Step Meetings and Support Groups.277

Twelve Step meetings.277

Other support groups.279

Psychotherapy.280

Individual therapy.282

Couples counseling.282

Recommended Reading.283

Emergency Numbers.284

Chapter 18: Working the Twelve Steps.285

Step One - Accepting Powerlessness.285

Facing powerlessness.286

When you feel crazy.287

Step Two — Finding Hope.287

Step Three — Letting Go.288

Step Four — Examining Ourselves.290

Step Five — Sharing Our Shame.293

Step Six — Accepting Ourselves.294

Step Seven — Humbling Ourselves.295

Step Eight — Identifying Who You’ve Harmed.296

Step Nine — Making Amends.297

Step Ten — Cleaning the Slate Daily.298

Step Eleven — Staying Close to Your Higher Power.299

Step Twelve — Practicing These Principles.301

Chapter 19: Maintaining Recovery.303

Recovery Is a Life Journey.303

Why progress is cyclical.304

Signs of codependency creep.305













































XII Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition


Getting Triggered.306

Crossovers and Sequels.307

Shifting addictions.308

New relationships.308

Your codependency in groups.309

Handling Slips.312

You’re human!.312

Take responsibility.313

Are you neglecting self-care?.314

Part V: The Part of Tens . 3 15

Chapter 20: Ten Ways to Love Yourself.317

Have a Spiritual Practice.317

Receive Support.318

Meet Your Needs.318

Have Fun.319

Protect Yourself.319

Accept Yourself.320

Gentle Yourself.320

Encourage Yourself.321

Express Yourself.321

Pursue Your Passions.321

Chapter 21: Ten Daily Reminders.323

Do Focus on Yourself.323

Do Let Go.324

Do Trust Your Experience.325

Do Honor Your Feelings.325

Do Be Yourself.326

Don’t React.326

Don’t Hurry.326

Don’t Worry.327

Don’t Try to be Perfect.327

Don’t Isolate.328


Index


329




































Introduction


/ f you’re reading this book because you wonder whether you may be code¬
pendent, you’re not alone. Some think the majority of Americans are code¬
pendent. The term codependency has been used since the 1970s. The newer
perspective is that codependency applies to many more people than originally
thought. Different types of people and personalities may be codependent or
behave in a codependent manner. Codependence varies in degree and sever¬
ity. Not all codependents are unhappy, while others live in pain or quiet des¬
peration. Here are examples of people who may be codependent:

An older couple, Manny and Faye are happily married for many years.
Faye calls Manny “Daddy,” and Manny calls Faye “Mother.” Faye defers
to her husband, who frequently corrects her. They agree about most
everything and that Manny comes first. If you ask Faye her opinion, she
quotes her husband.

Sid and Ina have lived together for several years, but their relation¬
ship lacks passion and intimacy. Sid is having an affair with Myra and is
unsure about marrying Ina, whom he claims lacks Myra’s wildness. He
feels trapped. He can’t commit to either woman. He fears both leaving
and getting closer to Ina.

Sean is a compulsive overeater. His wife, Sonja, nags him and tries to
control his food intake.

Melissa is an accomplished film director. Men find her attractive, and
she’s had several intense, brief relationships that end when the passion
subsides or she begins to feel like she’s losing her independence.

Budd is a senior executive at a major corporation and supervises
more than 100 workers. He’s considered powerful and assertive by
his colleagues. At home, he complies with his wife’s demands, avoids
intimacy, and is unable to talk about feelings or express his needs.

Thomas is a single dad and very close with his adult son, who lives
with him. Thomas thinks of his son as his best friend and can’t say no
to whatever his son asks of him. It’s been many years since Thomas’s
divorce, but Thomas hasn’t been able to find the “right” woman.

Walter is successful at work but gets drunk at home each night. Nights
when he goes out, his wife waits up and worries, then berates him when
he returns, and often calls in sick for him the next day.

Connie is intimidated by her violent husband, Mikhail. She’s humiliated
but loves him anyway. He apologizes and romances her, and she forgives
him, believing his promises that he’ll never hit her again.



Codependency For Dummies, 2nd Edition


Codependents are attracted to codependents, so there’s little chance of
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